


The Metamorphosis

by aschente



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Love Confessions, M/M, Magical Realism, Not What It Looks Like, Personal Growth, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Transformation, a shit ton of angst, kind of, strap urselves in my bois we going for a Wild Ride
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-08 10:06:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17384477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aschente/pseuds/aschente
Summary: There are two things that Adachi Yuto had never, ever expected to happen.One of them being his infuriatingly perfect childhood best friend confessing to him just before he left for college –And the other being that said best friend would go missing for a month after being rejected, only to return as a giant caterpillar.





	The Metamorphosis

**Author's Note:**

> hello this has been sitting in my drafts for a while now and i suddenly remembered it so  
> it might seem weird but pls bear with me i promise its really good  
> at least the story is idk if my writing can do it justice : D  
> this fic is based off the manga 'caterpillar girl and bad texter boy' by sanzo !!  
> if u hate bugs dw !! me too i tried not to describe it too much  
> i cant believe this is my first contribution to the pentagon tag why this , out of all my wips ,

"I like you. Can we date?"

There's a silence in the air as Yuto tries to register his best and only friend's words, his jaw falling open.

Hyunggu seems to catch himself, a flush spreading across his face. It's surprising to see him like this - the other boy is always calm and cool and collected, a smirk on his face that could make any girl (or guy, for that matter) fall for him in a matter of minutes.

So there's absolutely no way Yuto heard him correctly. There's no way that Kang Hyunggu - sociable, popular, over-achieving honor student Kang Hyunggu would ever, ever like Yuto as anything more than just a best friend.

Because Hyunggu is Hyunggu, and Yuto is... just Yuto. That gloomy guy that sits in the back of the classroom because he's too tall to sit anywhere else and he doesn't want to make eye contact with anyone. There's no way that his gorgeous, perfect, amazing best friend would ever even look in his direction.

But maybe he's wrong, because Hyunggu is looking at him now, an expression of adoration and affection that Yuto had never thought would be directed at him, ever.

Hyunggu clears his throat, interrupting the tense, awkward silence that's fallen in between the two of them. He's blushing quite hard, the tips of his ears a pretty pink, and it's something that Yuto has never seen before. It's rather endearing, actually, and if he hadn't been so shocked, he might have actually cooed at the other boy, maybe even teased him a little.

"It's just... I've liked you for a long, long time now," he begins, his words stammered and unsure, a side of Hyunggu that Yuto also hasn't seen - his best friend is normally so composed and confident. "And we're graduating soon, so I didn't want to leave without telling you how I felt."

Yuto is silent - is this a dream? It has to be. Why would Hyunggu ever like someone like him? All he does is lay around, feel sorry for himself, hate everyone, and relate to edgy anime protagonists, while Hyunggu does so much. He models, he acts, he studies, he volunteers, he sings, he dances - things that Yuto wouldn't even dare dream of.

Hyunggu continues to speak, as if unnerved by the younger boy's silence. "I can work with a long distance relationship, you know," he continues, flustered. "We've known each other for so long, I'm sure it's no problem. I just... really needed to tell you before you left for Japan again, because I've been avoiding it for so long and I like you so much and I don't think I can graduate without telling you how I feel and - "

"Hyunggu," Yuto interrupts softly, his voice feeling light and airy.

Hyunggu perks up. "Yeah?"

There's another silence, and Yuto surprises both Hyunggu and himself by laughing, the sound forced and pained and scratching at his throat. He tries not to look at the way his best friend's brows furrow in hurt confusion, tries to focus on the hilarity of the situation.

Hyunggu. Liking Yuto. Yuto, out of people. Hilarious - it has to be a joke.

"Are you kidding?" he laughs. "This is a joke, right?"

The other boy seems to sink at that. "Huh?"

"You're pranking me, right? Good idea, but there's no way I'd ever fall for something like that."

Hyunggu's face is oddly blank, his voice flat and even. "I wasn't joking."

Yuto deflates at that - if this isn't a joke, then what the hell is happening? Why would Hyunggu ever like him? He can hardly even keep contact with the other male - if not for the fact that they were neighbors, Yuto would have definitely let Hyunggu fall out of his life, just like everyone else. He's always been bad at keeping in contact with people - the younger male has absolutely no doubt that once they both leave for college, his best friend would forget about him completely in favor of new friends and a new environment.

"So you... actually like me?" he asks, unsure.

Hyunggu stares at him like he's stupid. "Yes," he clarifies. "I want to date you. I want to be your boyfriend. That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"Huh? No way," he laughs, still in a state of disbelief. "Are you serious? Hyunggu, I can't date you."

There's a silent pause, and Yuto stops himself from looking at the other boy's face. He doesn't want to see how Hyunggu will react, doesn't want to see his best friend's face contort in anger or hurt or whatever kind of facial expression that being rejected comes with.

"Why not?"

"Just look at you," he tries to explain, pointedly avoiding his best friend's gaze. "You and I are so different. You've got a ton of friends, and you're handsome, you've got really good grades, and you do so much -"

"So?"

"So if someone like me were to go out with someone perfect like you, Hyunggu, it would be... horrible. It would be really hard on me."

Hyunggu doesn't seem to say anything, hands folded in his lap as he stares at the ground. It's odd, seeing him silent like this - he's often so loud and kind hearted and outgoing that not hearing anything leave those lips of his is unnerving.

Maybe Yuto shouldn't have been so... blunt about rejecting him, but it's the truth. He can't go out with Hyunggu - just imagining the eyes on him, the questions he'll get, the pointed, judging stares - it makes him shudder, makes him break out into a cold sweat.

"I can't date you," Yuto repeats, unsure of what to do with the tense silence hanging in the air. "Sorry."

Hyunggu turns to him then after another moment of tension, an obviously forced smile on his face. And Yuto can't deny it, but the guilt biting at his chest is almost consuming. He's so used to seeing a bright and cheery smile playing at his best friend's lips, and seeing him smile so painfully like that just hurts.

But it's not like he can take it back, or do anything about it - what's done is done.

The other boy stands suddenly, and before he knows it, Yuto's on his feet as well, alarm in his eyes.

"Hyunggu, are you okay?" he asks, reaching a hand out to clasp the other's shoulder in some weak attempt at comfort. Before he can even touch the other boy, Hyunggu smacks his hand away. Yuto draws his hand back immediately, hurt clawing at his chest as the weight of Hyunggu's gaze, cold and heavy, sinks into his skin.

He never wants his best friend to look at him like that ever again.

"I'm fine," he says, that same pained smile playing at his lips. Yuto aches, which is odd - does he even have the right to be the one that's hurt? "I'm going home."

"What? Hyunggu, wait, you - "

"Bye."

Yuto barely even has the chance to say anything else before Hyunggu turns and runs away from their shared bench, too fast for Yuto to catch up. He hadn't gotten the chance to look at the other boy's face, hadn't wanted to, but just by seeing the tense way he'd stormed off, there's no doubt Yuto would find tears dotting Hyunggu's pretty cheeks.

Maybe he'd made a mistake.

 

* * *

 

He'd definitely made a mistake.

It's been a whole month, thirty one whole days since Yuto had rejected his best and only friend in what had probably been the most cruel, painful type of rejection, and the boy has spent every single day of that month wallowing in guilt and self-pity and anger. It's a never ending cycle of blaming himself as Hyunggu's friends and family all approach him, distress and worry in their eyes as they wonder what happened to their darling golden boy.

Because Hyunggu's just... disappeared.

He hadn't found it odd when Hyunggu had stopped contacting him after the rejection, figuring that the other boy had probably needed his space, so he'd never bothered to check up on him. Imagine Yuto's surprise when Hyunggu's mother had showed up at his door, tears in her eyes as she asked if he knew anything about the disappearance of her darling son.

He'd said no, like a liar. Because Yuto does know something about Hyunggu's disappearance - and it's that it's completely his fault.

Or maybe, it isn't. Hyunggu has so much going for him in his life, anyway - lots of friends and people he'd eventually fall for, people that are so much better than Yuto. He's just... him. There's absolutely nothing special about the boy who sits in the back of the classroom staring out the window, so why would anyone ever like him? Especially someone as beautiful and breathtaking as Hyunggu - as hard as Yuto's tried to make sense of it, he can't understand why the other boy would ever like him like that. Hell, he has a hard time understanding why Hyunggu even likes him as a person in the first place.

So there's absolutely no way Yuto could ever mean that much to Hyunggu. There's no way Hyunggu would just disappear on everyone important in his life just because he's been rejected by someone as pathetic as Yuto. He has other people in his life, people that are less useless and cruel than his supposed best friend.

But all the missing person posters plastered everywhere throughout the school, on the posts and lamps on his way home - they're all telling him otherwise. That he's made a horrible mistake, that he should have chosen his words better, that he shouldn't have just let Hyunggu just run off like that.

Because now he's missing, and it's all Yuto's fault.

He's walking home, his shoulders slumped and defeated as he tries to think about that dreaded day when Hyunggu had confessed. He can't even remember what the other boy had looked like, hadn't been strong enough to even spare Hyunggu a glance when he'd broken his heart.

"Fuck," he curses, halting his steps and leaning against a nearby post. He thinks he's going to cry, right here and now, in public, where people can see him. "Hyunggu, where the hell are you?"

He gives himself a moment, struggling to hold in his tears before they threaten to spill over and he'll be left a sobbing mess, but he's interrupted by a soft, almost inaudible voice.

"I'm right here, dummy."

Yuto stiffens, his shoulders tensing as the familiar voice reaches his ears. He looks around, absolutely bewildered, and he can't help but tense up even more when he can't find the owner of the voice.

 _Great,_ he thinks. _I'm going fucking insane._

He wipes at his reddened eyes, heavy with stress and lack of sleep. He must be hearing things now, hearing Hyunggu's voice when he isn't even here, slowly being driven insane by guilt and hurt and pain and -

"Down here, you damn tree!"

Alarmed, Yuto looks down to see something that has his eyes widening. It's not Hyunggu, but seeing it is just as surprising as actually seeing Hyunggu, because, well...

There's a caterpillar on the ground in front of him.

But it's not just any caterpillar. It's fucking huge.

Dark, soft looking fur (or is it even fur - hair maybe? Yuto doesn't know) and bright, beady eyes peaking out from large tufts of that same dark fur around its face, tiny paws (not legs, like other caterpillars - paws - it must be some odd caterpillar hybrid), and it's absolutely fucking gigantic. It's long, too, maybe around a head shorter than him if it stood up on its stubby looking paws. It's... kinda cute, actually, ignoring the fact that it's a huge caterpillar.

All Yuto can do is stare.

The caterpillar moves, its eyes narrowing and its large mouth opening to reveal tons of sharp, pointed teeth. Fuck. Is this thing gonna eat him?

But no, it doesn't eat him. Does something even worse, in Yuto's opinion.

"Yuto, it's me!" the caterpillar yells out, in a soft, thin voice that could only belong to one person and one person alone.

_Hyunggu._

"What the fuck," is all he can say, a dumbfounded whisper underneath his breath, because honestly, what the fuck.

"Long time no see!" the caterpillar says, in Hyunggu's voice, and Yuto can really only stare, completely bewildered. "You recognize me, right? I'd be offended if you didn't, I've known you for years."

"H-Hyunggu?" Yuto stammers, his voice an odd and painful mix of fear and confusion and he's not gonna lie, a little disgust.

The caterpillar nods its large head rather enthusiastically, its tiny eyes lighting up with glee at being recognized. "Yep, it's me!" it chirps, lifting its... upper half up to do a small wave with its paws, and Yuto sees it then - its got lots of those paw-stub things. He's really, really glad they're not actual caterpillar legs, because he'd honestly probably just run home screaming.

"Don't stare too much, I know I look disgusting." the caterpillar says in Hyunggu's voice, a slight sulk to his tone. It's the same one that the other boy uses on Yuto whenever he wants something.

Even though this gigantic, furry creature in front of him is disgusting, hearing Hyunggu say those words, in that soft voice of his - it's just wrong. Yuto can't help himself when he speaks.

"You're not disgusting," he says, and it's a lie. Kind of. "You could never be disgusting, don't say things like that."

The oddest thing happens then - is it possible for giant caterpillars to smile? Because this one does - its large, gaping mouth stretched to form a rather twisted looking grin, sharp teeth completely on display for everyone to see. The smile reaches even its beady little eyes, the tiny orbs sparkling as it looks up at him. It should be hideous, and Yuto knows that, so he must be absolutely insane for thinking that it's... kind of cute, actually.

Yeah, no. Definitely insane - it's only because he's hearing Hyunggu's voice leave this caterpillar's gaping maw of a mouth, and he's associating it with Hyunggu now. There's no way this thing is actually cute.

The caterpillar moves its upper half up again, just barely above the ground, and reaches its tiny little stubs out to Hyunggu. "As much as I'd love to continue this conversation out in the open like this, can you pick me up?"

_What._

"What?"

The caterpillar seems to pout, if that's even possible. Its gaping maw moves downwards in a wide, odd looking frown. "The cars scare me," it whines, in Hyunggu's voice. Yuto can't get over how odd it is. "I'm too slow to avoid them."

"So... I'm just supposed to carry you?" he asks, bewildered. He doesn't think it can get any weirder than this - what is he supposed to do, princess carry a giant caterpillar that's nearly as long as he is?

It must sense his confusion, because it lets out a huff. "I'll wrap around you like a snake, genius," it scoffs - and fuck, this is definitely Hyunggu. "Minus the squeezing you to death part."

Yuto is too shocked to protest, really, because before he knows it, he's bending down to the caterpillar's height, picking it up just behind its outstretched stubs and attempting to drape it all over his body. For a while, both of them struggle, Yuto attempting to lift the caterpillar's giant body because fuck, it's heavy, and the caterpillar struggling to move its heavy lump of a body around the tall boy's long limbs. Eventually, the caterpillar is draped around him, its face hanging off Yuto's shoulder and the rest of its long body coiled tightly around his torso.

Surprisingly, it doesn't feel as disgusting as Yuto would have originally imagined - kind of soft, actually. He'd thought that the caterpillar's belly would have been gross and crunchy, but it's soft, as well. Like it's a giant, furry snake with stubs for legs. It's surprisingly nice, and before he knows it, he's gotten used to having it around him despite its weight, and he continues this walk back home with this giant creature perched upon his shoulders.

Well, this definitely isn't how he'd expected his day to turn out.

 

* * *

 

Yuto is lucky there's no one home, because there's currently a giant caterpillar laid out across his bed, its giant head inspecting the room with that not cute grin on its face. Yuto can only stare as it looks around his room with interest, beady eyes sparkling.

"Why do you keep looking around like that?" he asks, bothered by the way its eyes can't seem to focus on one thing. It makes him feel rather self conscious, and it's weird that it's a caterpillar out of all things making him feel like this. "It's just my room. Nothing special."

"But you haven't let me in your room for years, Yuto," it reasons, eyes still gleaming as it continues to scan the rather messy room. "It looks different."

Yuto fidgets. He can't, for the life of him, remember a single thing about how his room was in the past. "Different how?"

A thoughtful hum leaves the caterpillar's mouth. "Well, for one, you're a little cleaner now. You used to eat so much food in here and leave wrappers lying around."

"It got too dirty sometime last year," he explains. "So I started getting, um," he hesitates, sparing a glance at the giant caterpillar before coughing. "Bugs and insects and stuff, and they freaked me out. So I've been cleaning up more often."

The caterpillar snorts. Can it even snort? Does it have a nose? "How the tables have turned," it snarks, and honestly, what the fuck.

It's so odd to be sitting here, in his room, with a giant caterpillar that has Hyunggu's voice. And it's even more odd that he's accepted it so easily. That somehow, this caterpillar somehow has his best friend's voice and attitude and overall demeanor.

He doesn't even want to think about what that means. There's absolutely no way his best friend turned into a giant caterpillar.

He's interrupted from his mental breakdown by an odd mixture of a gurgling and rumbling noise, emerging from the dark, furry form on his bed. Yuto raises an eyebrow.

"Um, are you hungry?"

"Famished," the caterpillar that _can't possibly be Hyunggu_ replies.

Yuto stands from his chair, reaching for his bag and pulling out a few bread buns he'd bought on the way home from school. "It's not much, but here," he offers, pulling a bun from its bag and handing it to the caterpillar. It grabs the bread with its stubby little paws, and Yuto stares.

How is it going to eat? With that huge, gaping maw of a mouth, it looks like it can just scarf that bun down without even needing to take a bite. He's not sure just one bun is enough for this large creature, actually.

To Yuto's surprise, the caterpillar tears off bits of the bun before happily chomping on it, the same way Hyunggu does. Yuto's always found it odd that the other boy would pick off bits rather than just biting into it, but right now, his odd habit is what manages to convince Yuto that yes, maybe life is crazy, and his best friend has turned into a giant fucking caterpillar.

"Thanks, Yuto," the caterpillar - Hyunggu hums, nodding its - _his_ large head and grinning that odd little grin.

"Hyunggu, that's really you, isn't it?" Yuto sighs, less of a question and more of a disbelieving statement to himself. Hyunggu answers anyway, huffing.

"Of course it is."

Yuto decides to ask then, the question that's been plaguing his mind since he's seen this giant form laying on the ground in front of him. "Why are you... like this?" he asks, unsure of how to phrase his words. "What happened while you were gone?"

“A classmate taught me this spell,” Hyunggu explains casually, as if the revelation isn’t anything strange or surprising. “He said that there’s this shrine in the woods that grants wishes, and if you fold a paper crane - “

“Okay,” Yuto interrupts. That isn’t what he wants to know. “So, you wished to be a caterpillar?”

"I guess so," Hyunggu says, and Yuto's sure that if a caterpillar could have shoulders, he'd be shrugging.

"You guess so?" Yuto echoes, completely flabbergasted. "You just _guess_ that you're a giant fucking caterpillar?"

Hyunggu raises his stubby little paws up, as if in an attempt to calm the younger boy down. But Yuto is far from calm, and seeing furry little paw like things instead of human hands like he's supposed to see riles him up even more. "Chill out, you big baby - "

Yuto laughs, interrupting. His blood boils with every second he looks at the insect that’s supposed to be his best friend - before he knows it, he’s angry, fists clenched as he speaks. "How the hell am I supposed to _‘chill out’_ in a situation like this? My best friend turned into this... giant insect thing, and he doesn't even seem to be worried about it in the slightest. Hyunggu, this is fucking crazy - why the fuck would you wish to be a caterpillar out of all things? Are you _insane?_ "

Hyunggu’s quiet for a moment, his beady little eyes gazing down at the floor. Yuto can’t even feel bad - just looking at the caterpillar on his bedroom floor has him brimming with emotion, none of them good. He’s angry and confused and lost and sad, and he’s feeling too much he might explode. He needs Hyunggu to _say something,_ to explain why the fuck he’s turned into something like this.

And Hyunggu does say something - but it only makes everything worse.

“Well, I thought if I was like this, then maybe I could be your boyfriend,” he says quietly.

It takes Yuto a moment to understand _what the hell Hyunggu’s talking about_ \- it’s just so ridiculous he can hardly even fathom it _._

“I’m gross, aren’t I?” he asks, an odd sort of grin on his face. Yuto can just imagine it now - if Hyunggu had been himself, if he’d been _human_ and had that frankly beautiful face of his, he’d be smiling bitterly. He’d scoff and snort and be bitter about this whole thing because _he should be -_ had he really turned into a caterpillar for Yuto’s sake? _Yuto_ , out of all people? “I can’t walk anymore. I can only crawl around, and I’m slow and big and get in everyone’s way. Some guy saw me earlier, you know? He called me nasty and ran away - don’t you think that’s absolutely pitiful?”

Yuto looks down, absolutely horrified - straight into Hyunggu’s beady little eyes. He wants to look away, wants to run away, wants to go to sleep and pretend like none of this is happening, but it is. It’s happening. And the way Hyunggu is looking at him makes him feel gross, disgusting - even more so than how Yuto would imagine his best friend to feel, crawling around in the dirt like some bug.

“See, I’m not perfect anymore. I’m gross and pitiful now, so… I thought that maybe, you’d date me if I was like this.”

Yuto suddenly wants to cry. Or to scream, maybe - or both. He doesn’t know what he wants to do. He can’t express the heavy feeling building up in his chest - he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t know whether he wants to throw something, or yell, or sob, or scream his throat raw, because _this can’t be real._

Hyunggu did not turn himself into _this disgusting creature_ just because Yuto didn’t want to date him. There’s no way - why would he do that? He can’t have done that.

Except, he did. And the proof of that is standing right in front of him.

“...how could you do that?” Yuto asks quietly.

“Oh, like I was saying, you write your wish on the paper crane you folded - “

“That’s not what I mean!” he yells, fists clenched as he collapses onto his knees to grab the sides of Hyunggu’s head. They should be his cheeks, but they’re not - instead, they’re two tufts of dark fur that feel rough and gross on Yuto’s skin. It makes his blood boil, makes him angrier than he’s ever been his entire life. “I mean, how the hell did you work up the nerve to want to become a fucking caterpillar?!”

There are lots of ways to react, but Yuto chooses to be angry first.

“Are you an idiot?” he accuses. “Do you think you can go to school looking like that? Do you think you can go _home?_ You can’t go _anywhere_ looking like that, Hyunggu! And you’re saying you turned into a caterpillar so you could be my boyfriend?” Yuto scoffs, shaking his head in utter disbelief, because really. He can’t believe it - he doesn’t want to believe it. But he has to. “You’re insane! _You’re absolutely fucking insane!”_

There’s a silence, a tension in the air, and Yuto can feel Hyunggu just staring at him. He can’t see his best friend’s beady eyes on him, because, well, tears are suddenly blurring his vision. They’re hot, and angry, and confused, and sad, and guilty, the same way he is. He wants to wake up and pretend that none of this ever happened. That he never rejected Hyunggu, that Hyunggu never confessed, because he hates this. He hates everything - how was he supposed to know that rejecting his best friend would make him turn into something like _this?_

Yuto lets go of Hyunggu, wiping at his eyes, averting his gaze from his best friend as he just sobs and hiccups, overwhelmed by everything that’s happened. He doesn’t want to look at him - not like this, anyway. He wants to look at _Hyunggu,_ at his best friend, not as this giant fucking _thing_ that should never have been associated with the other boy in any way whatsoever.

“How could you go and throw your life away like this?” he sobs, shaking his head. “And for me? Just because I said some stupid stuff?”

Hyunggu isn’t saying anything, which is comforting. At least for a while, he can pretend that his best friend isn’t in front of him, that it’s just a normal night of feeling like shit while crying, and nothing disgusting, mind boggling, or disgustingly mind boggling has happened to him, or to the other male. He buries his face in his knees and just cries.

“What are you gonna do?” he somehow manages to get out, despite the fact that he’s blubbering like a baby. “You can turn back, can’t you?”

A sinking feeling hits his chest once he’s burdened with a thought - what if Hyunggu blames him? Hates him for making him this way? “Don’t blame me if you can’t,” he warns, although it’s weak. He just sounds desperate and sad, because he is. What’s he going to do if Hyunggu can’t change back?

The thought just has him crying harder, his sobs muffled by his knees as he tries to catch his breath, to stop crying, to do anything that makes him feel less like a shitty person that had ruined his best friend’s life after rejecting him in the cruelest, harshest manner. But nothing works - all he can do is cry and sob and shake and whimper and weep. He can’t believe this is happening.

All of a sudden, he feels those soft, furry stubs reach out to him, and as much as Yuto still thinks this giant form is disgusting, he can’t help but lean into the touch. After all, this is still his best friend. Despite everything, it’s still Hyunggu.

“I’m sorry, Yuto,” he whispers, and it just makes him cry even harder. “I’m sorry.”

Yuto shakes his head - Hyunggu isn't the one that should be sorry.

 

* * *

 

 "Yuto?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you sleeping?"

"Clearly not."

"Remember those sleepovers we'd have in elementary school?"

He does remember.

It had been much, much simpler back then. Yuto had been nothing but a carefree, happy child, and being with Hyunggu made him happy. Even as a child, his best friend had always shone, brighter than any star or constellation. All the adults couldn’t help but smile at his demeanor, at the way he was always smiling and dancing and laughing. Even back then, Hyunggu had looked at the world through rose-colored lenses, and made sure to smile at every adult and stranger like they’d hung all the stars in the sky. It’s a trait of Hyunggu’s that’s persisted despite all these years, which is why Yuto has such a hard time keeping up with him - he simply doesn’t view the world the same way his best friend does.

But when they were children, when everything was simpler - Yuto had been just like Hyunggu - a carefree, happy child. Maybe he had been a little shyer, a little more hesitant to make friends, but none of that had mattered. His best friend was, is, and always would be Kang Hyunggu.

Yuto can’t help but smile at the memories - of all the blanket and pillow forts, the late night ghost stories, the midnight pantry raids, the endless video game tournaments, the movie nights, the pretend sword fights, the talking and talking and talking and talking until either of them would fall asleep -

He misses that.

He can’t help but think, what the hell had happened? What had happened to make them… _like this?_ Yuto had been a happy child, once upon a time, and Hyunggu had been the constant presence by his side that had made sure they’d be by each others’ sides forever. It had been the two of them against the world, and it had been perfect that way. Happy.

Yuto wonders what had made it all go wrong.

No, of course he knows - but there’s no use dwelling on the past. Which is ironic, because that’s what he’s doing now. He’s drowning in memories of the happy days, of the days when it had been him and Hyunggu running and shouting and laughing around the halls of this house, and it only hurts more. It hurts him to think that they had been so happy before, so perfect, but now they’re like this. Broken and hurt and aged and tired.

Well, at least Yuto is.

Hyunggu had been perfect too - always, always perfect and beautiful. Even through tears - when he had been too stressed, had too much on his plate - Yuto had found him beautiful. Like some sort of angel that had descended down to this earth, only to pity this lonely, broken boy. Despite his flaws, Yuto still loved him, still found him amazing and precious and perfect.

But his flaw now - it’s one that Yuto can’t see past. Especially now that he knows it’s his fault.

He did this to Hyunggu. He made him imperfect, tainted him and made him unable to live life the way he had been living before.

“Yuto?”

“Yeah. I remember.”

Hyunggu must sense something in Yuto’s words (or lack, thereof), because he keeps quiet. Yuto’s not sure if he’s thankful or not. Laying here, staring at the ceiling and listening to Hyunggu talk reminds him of the better days, the days that he wants to go back to. If he could, Yuto would do anything to turn back time. He’d tell his younger self to enjoy every single moment he had, to take the chance to hold Hyunggu’s hand and tell him just how much he appreciates him. Just how much he loves him.

There’s silence.

“Hey, Yuto…”

“Hm?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

“Now that I’m like this…”

Hyunggu pauses, and Yuto already knows what he’s going to ask. He wants to turn around, to shove his face into the pillows and cover his ears, anything to stop his best friend from continuing.

But he continues anyway.

“Can I be your boyfriend?”

Yuto’s face contorts, his heart aching in his chest as he tries to keep himself from crying again - holding in the tears that threaten to leave his already tired, bloodshot, reddened eyes. He’s tired. He just wants to sleep, to go home to Hyunggu, to those days of playing in parks and sleeping over everyday, because those carefree, childish days with his best friend is the home that he knows. It’s the home that he wants, the home that he wishes for.

But then he realizes, he is home.

He’s supposed to be _home._

But it doesn’t feel like it is.

“I’m sorry,” Yuto whispers. “I really can’t.”

He loves Hyunggu.

Really, he does.

He loves everything about him - from his sparkling, ethereal smile to the way he purses his lips whenever he’s thinking. Hyunggu is perfect to him, always has been, and always will be.

Which is why Yuto can never have him.

Because what is he? Yuto is useless. He does nothing but stare at the ceiling and think of happier times, of happier memories. He has no friends, and he does nothing but glare and frown and avoid any kind of confrontation, any kind of problem because he’s a coward. He’s a sad, miserable existence, and although it may not be his fault he’s like this, he still is. He’s messy and sad and useless and pathetic and worthless and broken and miserable -

And when he compares himself to Hyunggu, it’s no contest.

What is he supposed to say, anyway? Yes, he’ll be Hyunggu’s boyfriend? After he’d thrown everything away to become some disgusting creature? After he’d given up everything for Yuto, after he’d said such harsh words to him? He’d been horrible and heartless and inconsiderate of Hyunggu’s feelings - is he supposed to confess his own feelings after she’d thrown everything away?

Is he shameless? Slick, maybe? Who the hell does he think he is?

_Every last thing about me is unworthy of him._

“I can’t be your boyfriend, Hyunggu.”

“...oh. Okay.”

For a minute, nothing happens. It’s still and silent, as if the whole world had suddenly paused to make Yuto feel even worse about himself. 

In that minute, he shuts his eyes, and tries to do what he does best - sleep his problems away. Maybe, the world will hate him a little less and give him good dreams, make him forget what his best friend had done for his sake. He hopes to dream of Hyunggu’s smile, of the way his eyes sparkle whenever their eyes meet, of the way his laugh rings in Yuto’s ear again and again and again.

But the minute ends, and he hears soft, almost inaudible sobs.

Hyunggu is crying.

It’s heartbreaking, really. Yuto feels like crying himself as he listens to the sniffs, sobs, and whimpers of his best friend, guilt heavy and cold in his chest. This is his fault.

_This is his fault._

Hyunggu’s crying because of him, and the thought hurts so much - it’s probably what’s pained him the most out of all the hurtful realizations he’d had today. . Someone so perfect, so happy, so beautiful, is in pain all because of him. He can blame no one - _no one but himself._ Because after all, who rejected Hyunggu? Who rejected him in the harshest, cruelest way he can think of? He did - Adachi Yuto did. No one else. He can hardly keep himself from sobbing as well as he reaches down, his arm hanging off the bed as he inches it closer to where Hyunggu’s resting on the floor.

He feels soft, furry stubs clasp the sides of his hand, and it’s warm and wet and it should be gross.

It should be, but it isn’t.

Because it’s Hyunggu. And like Yuto had said, Hyunggu could never be disgusting. He’s still perfect in the best of ways.

Hyunggu stops crying.

They fall asleep like that, hand clutched by two caterpillar stubs as they both drift off to a thankfully dreamless sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> am i gonna update this regularly? knowing me, No,


End file.
